Friday, April 16, 2010

For the Disturbed

85-year-old Patient admitted for 'Change of Mental Status': "Help! Help me! I don't know where my husband is! He isn't here with me at home, and I don't know where-"

Me: "Do you know where you are, dear?"

Patient: "Of course I do."

Me: "Tell me where you are."

Patient: "I'm... I think I'm in a place for the disturbed."

Me: (bursts out laughing)

Other Aide: "Oh, she has no idea..."

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Shuffle Shuffle

Me: "You're funny, huh?"

89-year-old Patient: "Oh, I'm not just funny, honey, I'm hilarious. My friends would say, 'Marlyn, you're a card.' And do you know what I would say? I would say, 'No sir, I'm not just a card, I'm a whole deck, and you should take care how you shuffle me!'"

Our hospital is loaded up to full capacity right now, so they brought in a tray of pretzels for the staff tonight. We descended on it like vultures on a carcass. I love it when they deliver guilt pretzels. Guilt pretzels are the BEST!

Sunday, April 11, 2010


Had a horrible, horrible night that ended where me and one other aide were on the floor. Each of us had 20 or so patients apiece and a huge percentage were incontinent.

We set a goddamn record: Ten diaper changes, three of them necessitating a complete bed strip-down, in one hour and fifteen minutes. Beat that!

Plus, this:

Elderly Insane Female Patient, as we pull back her diaper to get her cleaned up: 

"Ohohohoho, cover my balls up!"